Someone

As most of you are probably aware from previous posts, I am in the rather enjoyable position at the minute of finding myself in a relationship. ‘Since when?’ provokes two different answers with a six week discrepancy depending on which one of us you ask, but my reply to that question would be that we have been going out since just before the Christmas holidays.

I must admit that I still find the whole thing a little odd. For a start it’s my first proper relationship (and indeed his), and there has been a lot of testing of water in terms of how to act in certain situations – how much time together is too much, how to react to each others’ friends, and the like. It helps that we have known each other as friends since the start of university two-and-a-half years ago, but it also means that one or two lines are slightly blurry, and we’re both trying hard not to impose on each other’s independence too much.

Above all, though, there’s this omnipresent third wheel. Yes, you’ve guessed it. And it was Jenny touching on this that prompted me to write this entry. There’s a hell of a load of head-mess that I’ve got going on where relationships are concerned and there has been for years and years, all tangled up in the general mess that finally got too much. So I do find it weird that my experience went the other way round to Jenny’s – rather than finding my Someone when I was happy and stable and able to give, I waited until I was in the throws of a depressive breakdown. Still despite (or maybe because of) everything else that was going on, the mental block came down and I got a boyfriend who was not only persistent enough to get me to go out with him, I got one who was willing to support me through all of this shit and I have no doubt will continue to do so. ‘When you least expect it’, eh.

And yes, Jenny, I do worry that I’m relying on him too much. Believe me, I did my best at pushing him away. I had and still have nothing to give to him but myself, my difficulties, and the honest knowledge that anything and everything could change*. But he’s taken it on, bless ‘im, and slowly I’m starting to believe that maybe I can do this whole girlfriend thing. Who knows, maybe I’ll even be able to keep it up when I’m better?

x

*Ironically, actually, if general flirtation is anything to go by, going on anti-depressants seems to have made me more attractive – despite the weight fluctuations, tired complexion, lack of attention to my appearance, and general dismal air. …great!