How do you define yourself? I define myself as many things – a student, a Brummie (perhaps of the less stereotypical variety), a mathematician, a geek, a sewist, a Quaker, and so on and so forth. Essentially, though, I define me as me.
I was having this conversation with some friends the other day on the way back from a picnic. One of them has just got together with a new guy, and it’s looking serious already. We were talking about their future, in a loose hypothetical way, when something really struck me. H was talking about her career, her wants, and her life in general purely in terms of his. That’s all good, I suppose, from the point of view that by marrying someone you are tying your life into theirs and that somewhere along the way that is bound to involve a certain amount of compromise. But her aims in life seemed to revolve purely around her prospective husband’s – to quote, she would rather be the wife of a successful businessman than a successful businesswoman herself.
I’m sure that a lot of this stems from H’s rather traditional upbringing (; her mother will ‘allow’ her to leave home only in order to marry someone deemed suitable), and if that is what will make her happy then I wish her all the best. But at the same time, she is a highly intelligent postgrad, with strong views and ideals of her own, and is a lovely person to boot – and instinctively I don’t like the idea of H being transformed into ‘the wife of whoever’.
And for all I can see only too easily how it happens, I despair in the same way at those mothers (and yes, sorry guys, it does tend to be mothers) who find their personalities and lives absorbed into that of their children’s. Whenever I come into contact with women pushing a pram or pushchair, I make a real effort to engage with them, to meet their eyes without simply going gooey over their children, however cute the children may be. There are many things that I dread about potential motherhood and that’s a whole long story for counsellors to get their teeth into, but one of those is losing my identity to my children. I find myself feeling guilty sometimes for that childhood perspective of my own mother – she was my Mum, not C, not a primary-school teacher or an English/European Thought graduate or a keen walker. I guess that’s one of the things that I’m consciously trying to make up as I’ve grown older.
I’m quite pleased, for that reason, that J’s friends seem to know me as ‘Lucy’, not ‘J’s girlfriend’. I like having my own identity. It’s something I plan to hang on to.
I have to say I agree with you on this one.
I know I have issues with how it’s tradition that the wife’s surname is automatically changed to that of the man’s. It’s just weird; it seems to symbolically make the woman an extension of the man. It’s a loss of identity.
The idea of a marriage or a long term relationship being anything other than a partnership of equals is something I can’t agree with.
I am me, that’s all I can ever be.
I absolutely agree with you and I cannot understand how some people seem to have come to university to find a husband. I am glad that as I grow older and I start to see my cousins becoming wives and husbands and eventually, I imagine, mothers and fathers, I can see my childhood more and more from the perspective of my parents and not just myself – them as people outside of being Mum and Dad.
They seem to have kept their own identities without that ever costing anything in terms of their parenting skills (although my mother gave up her career for us children and as much as I admire her for that I hate that she missed out on so much because of us; and I wish my parents had made more friends during our time in the small town where I grew up, but it was full of tories and houseproud mothers and such, so in some ways, no wonder) – and it’s a hard balance to find, because then some parents are so determined to keep their own identities and their own interests and what they do as adults outside of being parents, that they neglect to be good parents, and that is simply tragic.
If I can’t achieve that balance I have to say I would rather err on the side of being defined by my children, than on the side of defining myself out of their orbits altogether, just for their sake. And I hope that makes me, if not happy, at least OK.
As for definitions within a relationship, that is one of the many, many things I struggle with and which worries me hugely. How much can I commit to You, and how much I have to commit to myself as Me to make up for the inevitable loss of individual identity to Coupledom.
I think of definition in terms of what someone writing an encyclopedia entry in 100 years would say. Like it or not, it’ll generally go by whatever you do for a career. Eg Brunel was a British engineer, Gilles Villeneuve was a Canadian racing driver, John Lennon was an English rock musician.
But whats with the endless need to define, anyway? People are just people, and we all satisfy different definitions at different times.
I’m not sure I equate identity with definition … As a rule I think definitions are for people on the outside looking in. Just look at how categorisation started; Aristotle wanted to varnish over some order on the natural world. That’s a flippant description, but I think it has some merit.
If you’re going to define people then do it by their decisions – or, more clearly, by the things they have control over.
I’m not a great supporter of the phrase “other half” because I think you can be both single and a whole person. But we live in a society where single life is seen as a failure; you’re single because you don’t have the opportunity to be in a relationship – apparently. People forget that “alone” and “lonely” do not mean the same thing. I think relationships should always be two individuals together, not two people “completing” each other like a poorly make jigsaw.
I think being undefined can be a scary thing. But ultimately more rewarding. “To define is to limit” said Blake. And he might’ve been a bit of a grumpy old codger, but I reckon I’m with old Billy B on this one.
I find it very hard to define myself, be a long list of what I am to other people… or not so long but hey. Who I am to me hum definately got me thinking!
I guess it is ones choice if they wish to be defined or representented by their partner, your friend H as you say may be very happy with this idea.
I do have to say being known just as someone’s girlfriend/boyfriend is very odd esecially when that is what ends up defining you rather than your achievements for example particularly by people you knew and they knew you before you entered into such relationship! (speaks from experience)
To me you are Lucy, I could add some characteristic definitions here and there but I usually end up with shes well Lucy. (take this as you wish :P)
Must call you soon too btw… expect contact!
xx
One of my friends was asked in an interview – how would your best friend describe you? Which is a bit odd, but can provide some interesting insight into how you think other people see you, or how you would want to be seen by other people…
Firstly, I personally feel terrified of the whole relationship/ marriage/ having children thing in terms of where you stand and who you will become. I would like to live with someone when I am older but it is so hard to know how much to compromise and when to put yourself first.
Also, I remember when I grew up I recognised that people like parents (also teachers as well, but they are further removed than parents and they actually do need to be more strict and less personal) are people with interests and ups and downs and a history and everything and I hate the idea of being perceived as someone’s wife/ mother/ general authority figure instead of me.
As for definitions (which are really just descriptions of people), they are useful to identify people, in an encyclopaedia/ at a party wherever, but once you know someone well enough they wouldn’t really serve any real purpose because you would just know them. That’s a pointless thing to say I know but I think it’s true.